She’s pregnant, and you’re the father… so now what?
Perhaps you’re thinking:
- I want out of this relationship
- God, why?
- This will crush our parents
- It’s not my body, it’s not my decision
- I can’t be the father
- I don’t want to deal with this
- I’ll just support her in whatever decision she makes
Society tells us that a man’s hands are tied when it comes to pregnancy. “The baby is in a woman’s body, so it’s a woman’s choice to do what she wants with it,” or so we are told. Fathers are given their equal rights when it comes to adoption, but they do not have to relinquish their paternal rights for their babies to be aborted.
The result? Most men tend to be passive. Is that the case with you? Maybe you think abortion is wrong. Perhaps you are afraid to be a dad, but are also a little excited. Maybe you’re wondering if you will have a little girl who will call you “Daddy” or a son to play catch with. But you couldn’t tell her that. You don’t want to interfere with her decision-making process. So you just play it neutral. You may have even offered to pay for the abortion.
But guess what? Many women have said that when their partners are neutral they feel even more alone. Possibly the weightiest decision she will ever have to make in her life is left completely up to her. And she’s pregnant, so her body and hormones are a mess. She may be throwing up daily, is incredibly tired, and is having to pretend like everything is ok. She shouldn’t have to make this decision alone.
What should you do?
- Be there for her. Ask her how she is feeling. If she is a little more edgy, treat her in turn with kindness and sensitivity. Offer her some crackers and soda to ease her nausea. Some say sour things, like Sweet Tarts or lemons help with morning sickness. Tell her that you two can come to a decision about what to do together.
- Educate yourself on what is going on inside her body. A helpful website is www.WhatToExpect.com. Impress her with how you care about the changes she is experiencing.
- Decide together. Schedule her an appointment here at A Woman’s Choice. Come in together, and let us sit down and go over every option that is before you: abortion, adoption, and parenting. Write out a pros and cons list of each option.
What if I’ve already taken her to get the abortion?
We are grieving with you at the loss of this child. There are several men who have expressed regret, guilt, intense sorrow, and shame over taking their partners to get an abortion, or solely due to the loss of their child. These feelings are normal. Know that there is hope and healing available to you.
There is a group of men that meet together through A Woman’s Choice to go through a post-abortion recovery study. Please call Theresa at 502.589.9400 for more information or you can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org. She will put you in contact with the leader of our men’s group.
If you want to talk to someone, please contact us at email@example.com or 502.589.9400. There are men who would be happy to speak with you as well.
I’m ready to be a Dad. What next?
Congratulations! Contact Necole’s Place (502.569.0494) for information about our men’s group or to meet with Dr. Dennis Kaufman, our staff counselor. Look into our parenting classes to help you get ready for the excitement and responsibility of fatherhood!
“For the sake of women and children-and for our own sakes-it is time for men to stand up and make whatever sacrifices are necessary to care for children they have fathered. If this means begging the forgiveness of women, or standing in front of church leaders or a congregation and confessing their sin, so be it.”1
“Abortion isn’t a woman’s issue. It’s a human issue, and its effects are devastating to women and men alike. But it’s high time for men to take personal responsibility, stand up for women and children, and exercise the kind of leadership God expects of us.”2
1Randy Alcorn, ProLife Answers to ProChoice Arguments (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, 2000), 285-286.